I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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