did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
