i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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