I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
