uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
