12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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