Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's shark week go big or go home
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
