I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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