My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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