he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
