He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
