wrigley field is MILF paradise
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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