____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on