I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
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Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
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He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..