sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
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At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall