forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
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It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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