My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
