Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He passed out mid-signature
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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