Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
this just has baby written all over it
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
