Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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