He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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