I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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