also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
