I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
