It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
