Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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