the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
