HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
