he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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