Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
