i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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