Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
