I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
