Hey man sorry I got all grabby
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
