Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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