best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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