Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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