At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
