my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Rumble strips road head = magical
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
