I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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