Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
