can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
