I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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