how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
