Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
