Already got asked if we're dating
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
