I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
