Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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