im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
