I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
its liver damage thursday
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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