broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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