If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
