Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
