I think my vagina is haunted
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
