I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?