If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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