I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
